Alright, humans. We have crammed the planet full, wasted all the resources, and made robots take our jobs. Now what? We have three options. We can keep ignoring it until nature fixes it with disasters. We can try dumb sci-fi stuff like moving to Mars, which won’t happen for almost any of us. Or, we can actually use our brains and solve it like grown-ups.

Let’s pretend we choose the smart option. But how do we fix overpopulation without starting a war?
First, we need to flip the rewards system. Right now, the more kids you have, the more “free stuff” the government promises. That is backward. The new system should be simple: fewer kids equal VIP treatment. If you have one child, you get free education and unlimited WiFi. If you have two, you get a standard life. But if you have five? Congratulations, you have unlocked the “Exile Package.” You can go live on a deserted island. If having a huge family is a choice, then paying for it should be your problem, not everyone else’s.

We also need to change how we teach. If we want change, we can’t rely on stubborn adults. We have to start with the kids. History books should say, “See that war? That was because of too many people.” Math problems should only feature small families. By the time these kids grow up, they will look at a family of ten and wonder if it’s a circus act.
Another big problem is retirement. Too many people have kids just so someone will take care of them when they are old. We need to fix that. If we had better pensions and robots to change our diapers, people wouldn’t need to breed their own nursing staff.

And while we are at it, let’s stop pretending that “more kids equals more happiness.” That is a marketing scam. More kids usually means more stress, less money, and a higher chance that one of them will write a “Mommy Dearest” memoir about you. We need to shift our thinking from “the bigger the family, the better” to “the smaller the family, the smarter.”
Of course, we can’t forget the billionaires. Since they are so obsessed with space, let’s help them out. We can send them—and anyone who insists on having ten kids—straight to Mars. It’s not exile; it’s a “voluntary relocation.” They can enjoy the red dust while the rest of us actually fix Earth.

Finally, maybe it’s time for a license. You need a license to drive a car or go fishing, but anyone can raise a human? That seems wrong. To get a “Parenting License,” you should have to pass a test. prove you can change a diaper in thirty seconds, and survive forty-eight hours with a screaming toddler. If you can’t handle a plastic baby for a week, you definitely aren’t ready for a real one.
These problems won’t fix themselves. Either we control our numbers, or nature will do it for us—and nature’s version involves famines and viruses. So, we can do this the easy way or the hard way. But we better decide fast, because Mother Earth has been sending warning emails for centuries, and I don’t think she is going to be polite for much longer.