My Life as a Tree: 500 Years of Watching Earthlings Make the Same Mistakes

Hello, Earthlings. I’m a tree. Yes, a real, living, oxygen-producing tree. I’ve been stuck in this spot for 500 years, quietly observing your shenanigans. People like to call us “nature’s wisdom.” Cute. If I had eyes, I’d roll them so hard I’d sprain a branch.

You bipeds are fascinating creatures. You’ve built cities that reach the sky, flown around in giant tin cans, and even set foot on the moon. Bravo! But for all your brilliance, you keep making the same dumb mistakes. Watching you is like watching a bird slam into a clean window repeatedly. Sure, it’s entertaining, but after a while, you start to feel bad for the poor thing.

When I was a young sapling, life was pretty great. The forest stretched as far as I could see. Trees swayed in the breeze, animals ran around doing animal things, and the seasons came and went like clockwork. Life was peaceful, predictable, and honestly, a little boring. Then you fleshy creatures arrived. You showed up with your axes, your curiosity, and your complete lack of chill.

At first, I thought, “Oh, they’re kind of cute, running around with their little tools.” But then you discovered deforestation, and wow, did you go all in. You didn’t just chop down a tree here and there. Nope, you wiped out entire forests. You said you needed space for houses and farms. Fine, I get it. Everyone needs a place to live and eat. But do you really need houses big enough to get lost in? And farms that look like they’re trying to feed the entire solar system?

And let’s talk about your eating habits. Homo sapiens eat everything. Plants, animals, and those strange, brightly colored snacks that I’m pretty sure aren’t even real food. You eat like you’ve never seen food before. And then, you throw half of it away! I’ve watched you toss perfectly good food while talking about world hunger in the same breath. It’s like complaining about being cold while standing next to a fire.

Whenever you face a problem, your solution is always the same: technology! Oh, you tool-wielders love your gadgets. Phones, drones, and machines that beep and whirr. “Technology will save us!” you shout, your screens lighting up your hopeful little faces. But here’s the thing: all the gadgets in the world can’t make more land or grow food out of thin air. You’re like a carpenter with a hammer, trying to fix every problem by hitting it harder.

Now, let’s talk about your biggest mystery: why do you noise-makers keep having so many babies? The planet isn’t getting any bigger, but you’re multiplying like rabbits at a family reunion. Do you even have a plan, or are you just winging it? More people means more houses, more food, and, of course, more trees cut down. Meanwhile, the rest of us are standing here thinking, “Hey, maybe slow down a little?”

And your stuff. Oh, the stuff. Primates are obsessed with collecting things. Shiny things, useless things, things you forget about the moment you buy them. You fill your houses with so much junk, you need even bigger houses to store it all. Then you throw it away and start over. It’s like watching squirrels gather nuts, only the nuts are plastic, and they never stop hoarding them.

After 500 years of watching you, I’ve learned one thing: planet squatters are incredibly smart and incredibly stubborn. Maybe you’ll figure out how to live in balance with the planet. Or maybe you’ll just keep eating, building, and buying until there’s nothing left. Either way, I’ll still be here, rooting for you (pun intended).

But seriously, humans, it’s time to get it together. This planet isn’t just yours. It’s home to trees, animals, and countless other living things. If you don’t change your ways, things are going to get ugly. And no, I don’t mean the “needs a makeover” kind of ugly. I mean the “everything is on fire, and we’re out of water” kind.

Here’s some advice from a wise old tree: slow down. Stop chasing after things that don’t matter. Learn to live with what you have instead of always wanting more. And maybe, just maybe, plant a tree or two. You might even learn something from us. We’ve been here a lot longer than you, and guess what? We don’t need gadgets to survive. We just grow, share, and keep the planet alive.

So take a deep breath (you’re welcome, by the way – we made that oxygen), and think about it. The future could be bright, but only if you stop acting like a squirrel on caffeine. Trust me, I’ve seen enough of your kind to know you’re capable of better.

28-Jan-2025