What is your favorite animal?

My favorite animal is the tortoise because it’s basically the animal version of me. Think about it: the tortoise doesn’t run, it doesn’t chase, it doesn’t care about speed—it just vibes. That’s me every morning when the world wants me to be a hare, and I’m like, ‘Nah, I’ll get there when I get there.’

The tortoise also has a portable home. Me? My version is stuffing my pockets with random things—wallet, keys, snacks, phone—and somehow feeling prepared for anything. The tortoise hides in its shell when danger comes. I do the same, except my shell is a long shower where I pretend I don’t have responsibilities.

Let’s talk about their face. Tortoises always look like they’re deep in thought, but we all know they’re not. That’s me during serious conversations, nodding along, giving off ‘wise and calm’ vibes while secretly wondering what’s for dinner.

And have you seen how tortoises eat? They take one slow, dramatic bite and chew like they’re filming a cooking show. That’s me with chips, making sure I hear every crunch and enjoy every second. Why rush a good snack?

Plus, tortoises live for, like, 150 years. Do you know their secret? No stress. They don’t run, they don’t overthink, and they don’t argue on the internet. They just chill, eat leaves, and take naps. That’s the retirement plan I’m working toward—minus the leaves.

Honestly, if I were an animal, I’d be a tortoise. We’re both slow, steady, unbothered, and really good at ignoring nonsense. And when life gets overwhelming? We just pull back into our shells and wait for the storm to pass. That’s not laziness, that’s genius.