My greatest fear?

Accidentally thanking my toaster for its service when it finally dies after 15 years… only to realize I can’t afford a new one because the price tag now reads “$999.99 (plus Emotional Tariff™).”

What would make me do it?
If the U.S. government, in a bold move to “protect” domestic spatula-makers, slapped a 300% ‘Friendship Fee’ on all foreign appliances. Suddenly, my $20 Walmart toaster is a luxury item, and I’m bartering with my neighbor’s kid to fix mine using duct tape, a paperclip, and a YouTube tutorial titled “How to Rebuild Civilization After Trade Wars.”

Now my morning routine includes:

Brewing coffee in a colander (beans are taxed as ‘foreign mood boosters’).

Wearing socks sewn from old curtains (cotton tariffs made fabric rarer than unicorn confetti).

Paying $10 per avocado, which I must defend in hand-to-hand combat because GUAC IS LIFE.

The kicker? Our newly “protected” U.S. toaster factory now produces exactly one (1) artisanal toaster per year, sold exclusively at Burning Man. Meanwhile, Canada retaliates by taxing our reality TV exports, so Netflix is now just a 24/7 livestream of a farmer explaining soybean tariffs in ASMR.

So yes, I’ll weep over my zombie toaster. But at least we’re winning… right?